Got this in email a few days ago and thought I would share:

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than  the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer.

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law, License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair.  Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says,

'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?

Two guys were sitting on the front porch and one leaned over and said:

Dave, I think my wife and I are having some problems lately.

What makes you think so Sam?

Well, the first was that my wife set me up with an appointment to get my eyes tested.

Really?  I didn’t know you where having problems with your eyes.

I didn’t think so either, but she says she wants me to see things her way.

Another time, after I came home from a two week fishing trip with the guys, I was complaining I forgot my watch but we still had a really good time, but decided to release all the fish we caught.  She was all upset when she told me that she had put my watch in in my tackle box before we left.  That could have went over smoother.

The last issue came just before hunting season.  She was very excited to give me a gift.  When I opened it, I realized we might have some serious issues:

I got this one from a post in CodeProject lounge forums today and thought there were cute:

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
• She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.
• Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
• It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
• You can't have everything, where would you put it?
• Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
• If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
• The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
• Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
• Shin: A device for finding furniture.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
• Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
• I wished the buck stopped here, because I could sure use a few.
• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Had this sent to me in email today, but found it on YouTube:

I saw this one in a forum on CodeProject.com today:

Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

A: "BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!"

Got this from a friend in email today, it was just too funny to my weird sense of humor:

Hi Everyone.  I wanted to let you know I have a friend who has a quarter horse for sale.  

If you, or anyone you know may be interested, please let me know.  Below is a picture of the beauty.  Take care .

Got these in email today.  Do not know where they originated, but are worth a look:

We will start with my favorite -

For my programmer friends out there, what was that number again? -

I am not sure this will work out :)

Now that is flexible!

This has got to hurt -

Rabid dog!

Not what you want to see when you are heading to work:

Keeping it clean -

True cat lover?

And one last one -

Got these in an email.  Do not know if there are true, but they were funny to me:

---

Not a good sign

Some have feared this:

This is another one I got in email a while back but did not get around to posting:

---

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - pet nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.  Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort  Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom.  If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.  I must exit through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here.  You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "fur"niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are an animal.  To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
    

I thought this one I got in email a long time ago was cute:

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says
to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science
has finally figured out a way to create life out of
nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did
in the beginning!"

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "We can take dirt and
form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus
creating man."  "Well, that's interesting.  Show Me. "

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts
to mold the soil.... "Oh no, no, no..." interrupts GOD



"Get your own dirt."

Do not know where these originated, but thought this were funny:

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says . . . "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

Her friend asked, "You mean to tell me you actually put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Got this one in the email:

HOW TO INSTALL A HOMEMADE SECURITY SYSTEM


1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work 
Boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a 
Copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,
I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess 
With the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him
Up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell 
From all the blood. 


 


PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better Wait outside. 

My wife got this in email quite some time ago.  I think it is kind of cute:

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage & Hour Dept, claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.  He makes about $ 10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher.

This was posted to my developer site CodeProject.com today and I thought I would share:

A small man was sitting in a bar staring into his drink. He didn't move for half-an-hour when a big trouble making truck driver stepped up next to him, took the man's drink and guzzled it down.

The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said "Come on, I was only joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worse day of my life. Firstly I over slept and I was late for an important meeting . My boss was outraged and fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a taxi and went home. After the taxi had left, I realised that I left my wallet in the taxi. I went into my house to find my wife had left a note saying she had left me."

"I left home and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!"