Humor

Coca-Cola In Israel…

Thinker — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 10:38:39 GMT

(Got this in my email today. I thought it was funny)

A disappointed salesman of Coca-Cola returned from his assignment to Israel. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Israelis?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch. But I had a problem. I didn't know how to speak Hebrew. So I planned to convey the message through three posters:

First poster : A man lying in the hot desert sand ... totally exhausted and fainting.

Second poster : The man is drinking Coca-Cola.

Third poster : Our man is now totally refreshed.

And then these posters were pasted all over the place."

"Terrific! That should have worked!" said the friend.

"I sure should have!" said the salesman.

"No one told me they read from right to left!"

Life on Mars!

Thinker — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 05:29:44 GMT

I find this in one of my archives. It is all about perspective ;)

Email from..

Thinker — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 20:45:51 GMT

Found this one in the Codeproject’s lounge today:

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter in the address, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Doughboy – R.I.P.

Thinker — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 21:32:50 GMT

Had a friend send this to me today and thought I would share:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survied by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survied by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

Happy New Year Wishes for 2009

Thinker — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 18:45:36 GMT

Had an email sent to me that I thought was cute and decided to share with you all:

After serious & cautious consideration... your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2009!

It was a very hard decision to make... So try not to mess it up!!!

My Wish for You in 2009

May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy
May the problems you had, forget your home address!
In simple words ............
May 2009 be the best year of your life!!!

Happy New Year!!

Texas Deputy Sheriff vs New York Lawyer

Thinker — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 08:40:28 GMT

Got this in email a few days ago and thought I would share:

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer.

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law, License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says,

'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?

You know you have issues with your marriage when…

Thinker — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 02:00:26 GMT

Two guys were sitting on the front porch and one leaned over and said:

Dave, I think my wife and I are having some problems lately.

What makes you think so Sam?

Well, the first was that my wife set me up with an appointment to get my eyes tested.

Really? I didn’t know you where having problems with your eyes.

I didn’t think so either, but she says she wants me to see things her way.

Another time, after I came home from a two week fishing trip with the guys, I was complaining I forgot my watch but we still had a really good time, but decided to release all the fish we caught. She was all upset when she told me that she had put my watch in in my tackle box before we left. That could have went over smoother.

The last issue came just before hunting season. She was very excited to give me a gift. When I opened it, I realized we might have some serious issues:

Axioms – Deep Thoughts…

Thinker — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 14:24:21 GMT

I got this one from a post in CodeProject lounge forums today and thought there were cute:

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.
Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, because I could sure use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Boxing Fan..

Thinker — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 18:04:54 GMT

Had this sent to me in email today, but found it on YouTube:

Quickie - Grapes Talking

Thinker — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 19:54:30 GMT

I saw this one in a forum on CodeProject.com today:

Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

A: "BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!"

Quarter Horse Sale

Thinker — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 10:20:27 GMT

Got this from a friend in email today, it was just too funny to my weird sense of humor:

Hi Everyone. I wanted to let you know I have a friend who has a quarter horse for sale.

If you, or anyone you know may be interested, please let me know. Below is a picture of the beauty. Take care .

Click Here to see picture

Pictures worth a look Volume 0001

Thinker — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 10:27:53 GMT

Got these in email today. Do not know where they originated, but are worth a look:

We will start with my favorite -

For my programmer friends out there, what was that number again? -

I am not sure this will work out :)

Now that is flexible!

This has got to hurt -

Rabid dog!

Not what you want to see when you are heading to work:

Keeping it clean -

True cat lover?

And one last one -

Pics: Words of Wisdom

Thinker — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 12:47:55 GMT

Got these in an email. Do not know if there are true, but they were funny to me:

---

Not a good sign

Some have feared this:

For Pet Lovers - More Dog & Cats stuff

Thinker — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 12:27:13 GMT

This is another one I got in email a while back but did not get around to posting:

---

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - pet nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

They live here. You don't.
If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "fur"niture.
I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

Eat less
Don't ask for money all the time
Are easier to train
Normally come when called
Never ask to drive the car
Don't hang out with drug-using friends
Don't smoke or drink
Don't have to buy the latest fashions
Don't want to wear your clothes
Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

God and Scientist

Thinker — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 12:17:50 GMT

I thought this one I got in email a long time ago was cute:

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says
to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science
has finally figured out a way to create life out of
nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did
in the beginning!"

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "We can take dirt and
form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus
creating man." "Well, that's interesting. Show Me. "

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts
to mold the soil.... "Oh no, no, no..." interrupts GOD

"Get your own dirt."