A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow, there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it up and found a brand new bathroom scale.

A closed-casket viewing, followed by a funeral mass is scheduled for Monday.

Blonde Logic:

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking....... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther
away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" 

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her chin and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."