I find this in one of my archives.  It is all about perspective ;)  

Found this one in the Codeproject’s lounge today: An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter in the address, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had...

Had a friend send this to me today and thought I would share: Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and...

Had an email sent to me that I thought was cute and decided to share with you all: After serious & cautious consideration... your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2009! It was a very hard decision to make... So try not to mess it up!!! My Wish for You in 2009 May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts. May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills. May love...

Got this in email a few days ago and thought I would share: A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than  the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense. The deputy says,' License and registration, please.' 'What for?' says the lawyer. The deputy...

Two guys were sitting on the front porch and one leaned over and said: Dave, I think my wife and I are having some problems lately. What makes you think so Sam? Well, the first was that my wife set me up with an appointment to get my eyes tested. Really?  I didn’t know you where having problems with your eyes. I didn’t think so either, but she says she wants me to see things her way. Another time, after I came home from a two week fishing trip with the guys, I was complaining I forgot my watch but we still had a really good...

I got this one from a post in CodeProject lounge forums today and thought there were cute: Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?...

Had this sent to me in email today, but found it on YouTube:

I saw this one in a forum on CodeProject.com today:   Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape? A: "BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!"

Got this from a friend in email today, it was just too funny to my weird sense of humor: Hi Everyone.  I wanted to let you know I have a friend who has a quarter horse for sale.   If you, or anyone you know may be interested, please let me know.  Below is a picture of the beauty.  Take care .   Click Here to see picture

Got these in email today.  Do not know where they originated, but are worth a look: We will start with my favorite -   For my programmer friends out there, what was that number again? - I am not sure this will work out :) Now that is flexible! This has got to hurt -   Rabid dog! Not what you want to see when you are heading to work:   Keeping it clean - True cat lover? And one last one -

Got these in an email.  Do not know if there are true, but they were funny to me: --- Not a good sign Some have feared this:

This is another one I got in email a while back but did not get around to posting: --- To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - pet nose height. Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.  Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack....

I thought this one I got in email a long time ago was cute: God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning!" "Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God. "Well," says the scientist, "We can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."  "Well, that's interesting.  Show Me. " So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.... "Oh no,...

Do not know where these originated, but thought this were funny:     Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says . . . "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really!? Like a new-born baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."     An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He...

Got this one in the email: HOW TO INSTALL A HOMEMADE SECURITY SYSTEM 1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work  Boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a  Copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines. 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads:  Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess  With the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him Up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell  From all the blood.    PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better Wait outside. 

My wife got this in email quite some time ago.  I think it is kind of cute:

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage & Hour Dept, claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every...

This was posted to my developer site CodeProject.com today and I thought I would share: A small man was sitting in a bar staring into his drink. He didn't move for half-an-hour when a big trouble making truck driver stepped up next to him, took the man's drink and guzzled it down. The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said "Come on, I was only joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today is the worse day of my life. Firstly I over slept and...

Got this in email today: Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day... There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a hammer, how should he express himself? Think about it first and then click [here] for the answer...   He opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy a hammer." If you got this wrong -...

Got this in the email today: A young man wants to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary, so he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited--she loves her phone. He shows it to her and explains all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi hun," he says. "How do you like your new phone?" She replies, "I just love it; it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell. But there's one thing I don't understand...

I had this emailed to me ages ago and it seems to be all over the net in some form, so I have added it here just in the rare event you never managed to see it anywhere else.  Seems to fit cats and dogs to me Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:   8:00 am Dog food! My favorite thing!   9:30 am A car ride! My favorite thing!   9:40 am A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm Lunch! My favorite thing!   1:00 pm Played in the yard! My favorite...

Jeff urgently needed a few days off work, but knew the Boss would not allow him to take a leave. He thought that maybe if he acted crazy then the boss would tell me to take a few days off. So, Jeff hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.  His co-worker Cathy (who's blonde) asked him what he was doing?He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think he was nuts and give him a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"  Jeff told him he was a light bulb. The boss said...

Received this message in email today..  I thouhgt it was funny! In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the godless and assigned their sharpest attorneys to the case. The case was brought before a wise judge who after listening to the long, passionate presentation of the ACLU lawyers,...

Try this site out and see just where you life has gone: http://www.wheredidthetimego.com/

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow, there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat." The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it up and found a brand new bathroom scale. A closed-casket viewing, followed by a funeral mass is scheduled for Monday.

Blonde Logic: Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking....... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is fartheraway... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????" River Walk: There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." Blonde On The Sun: A Russian, an American, and a...

Go to 'Language Tools' on 'Google' http://translate.google.com/translate_t Type in "my mom is nice and cool" in the 'translate text' box and convert it from 'English to Spanish'. Copy & paste the answer it just displayed back into the 'translate text' box and convert it from 'Spanish to English'.  This is too funny..  Talk about the meaning lost in translation ;)

Have your friend site down and have them lift their right foot and make clockwise circles.  While they are making clockwise circles with their right foot, have them draw the number 6 in their air.  It should result in their foot changing directions.  A good laugh at parties!

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits the bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer, too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the...

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans.  He loved them, but they always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.   Then one day he met a girl and fell in love.  When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "she is such a sweet and gently girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on."  So, he made the supreme sacrifice, he gave up beans.  They married shortly thereafter. Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work and since they lived in...

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction.  "$85 for an extraction sir" was the dentist's reply. "Och huv yer no got anythin' cheaper" replies the Scotsman getting agitated. "But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir" said the dentist. "What about if yer din't use any anesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully. "Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70" said the dentist. "Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees and still without anesthetic" said the Scotsman....

An 85 year old gentleman feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem. "Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and...

The Pope calls everyone into his office.  he says: "I have good news and bad news" "Jesus has returned!" One replied, "That is great news , what could possibly be the bad news?" "He is in Utah..."

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.  Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know  whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of  Heaven."  The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and...

They have finally released the ingredients in Viagra. 2% aspirin2% ibuprofen1% Vitamin C95% Fix-A-Flat

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Dear Son: Your Paw has a job. It's the first one he had in forty-eight years since we have been married. We are a little better off now, because we have so much money now we don't know what to do with it. Paw gets $17.15 every Thursday, so we thought we ought to do something about fixing up the house. We sent to Sears & Roebuck for one of those bathrooms you hear people having in houses. It took a plumber to put it in shape. On one side of the bathroom is a great long thing something like a...

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one? We have, 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95 ... 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ... 'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ... 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95... 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ... and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00." "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the...

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand in the weak light, tears running down her face. Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, pale lips moving slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ...I . . I...

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to...

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies  room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, POOF! you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror never to be seen again. Soooooo, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." POOF! The mirror swallows her. Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and...

One day Sally and Dave were sitting at home listening to the weather forecast during a big snowstorm.  The news said that everyone will have to park their car on the odd side of the street to allow the snow plows to clear the even side of the road.  Sally jumped up and moved the car.   The next day the storm was still continuing to dump large amounts of snow.  During the weather report it said for everyone to park on the even side of the street so that they could plow the odd side.  Again, Sally jumped out and moved the car. On the...

A blonde was driving down the road following a large truck.  When they stopped at the light, the blonde ran up to the drive of the truck and said "My name is Sally and you are losing your load".  The driver looked at here somewhat puzzled and said, "That is okay" and drove off. She continued down the road right behind him and at the next intersection light, ran back up to him and said "My name is Sally and you are losing your load".  He looked at her strange and just drove off. This cycle continued twice more.  Then when she ran up...

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. One neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to...

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions...

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!" The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed,...

  A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's main but cannot get a firm grip. She throws her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from...