Got this in email a few days ago and thought I would share: A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than  the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense. The deputy says,' License and registration, please.' 'What for?' says the lawyer. The deputy...

Two guys were sitting on the front porch and one leaned over and said: Dave, I think my wife and I are having some problems lately. What makes you think so Sam? Well, the first was that my wife set me up with an appointment to get my eyes tested. Really?  I didn’t know you where having problems with your eyes. I didn’t think so either, but she says she wants me to see things her way. Another time, after I came home from a two week fishing trip with the guys, I was complaining I forgot my watch but we still had a really good...

Got these in an email.  Do not know if there are true, but they were funny to me: --- Not a good sign Some have feared this:

This is another one I got in email a while back but did not get around to posting: --- To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - pet nose height. Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.  Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack....

I thought this one I got in email a long time ago was cute: God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning!" "Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God. "Well," says the scientist, "We can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."  "Well, that's interesting.  Show Me. " So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.... "Oh no,...

Do not know where these originated, but thought this were funny:     Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says . . . "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really!? Like a new-born baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."     An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He...

Got this one in the email: HOW TO INSTALL A HOMEMADE SECURITY SYSTEM 1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work  Boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a  Copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines. 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads:  Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess  With the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him Up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell  From all the blood.    PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better Wait outside. 

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage & Hour Dept, claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every...

This was posted to my developer site CodeProject.com today and I thought I would share: A small man was sitting in a bar staring into his drink. He didn't move for half-an-hour when a big trouble making truck driver stepped up next to him, took the man's drink and guzzled it down. The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said "Come on, I was only joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today is the worse day of my life. Firstly I over slept and...

Got this in email today: Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day... There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a hammer, how should he express himself? Think about it first and then click [here] for the answer...   He opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy a hammer." If you got this wrong -...

Received this message in email today..  I thouhgt it was funny! In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the godless and assigned their sharpest attorneys to the case. The case was brought before a wise judge who after listening to the long, passionate presentation of the ACLU lawyers,...

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow, there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat." The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it up and found a brand new bathroom scale. A closed-casket viewing, followed by a funeral mass is scheduled for Monday.

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits the bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer, too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the...

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans.  He loved them, but they always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.   Then one day he met a girl and fell in love.  When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "she is such a sweet and gently girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on."  So, he made the supreme sacrifice, he gave up beans.  They married shortly thereafter. Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work and since they lived in...

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction.  "$85 for an extraction sir" was the dentist's reply. "Och huv yer no got anythin' cheaper" replies the Scotsman getting agitated. "But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir" said the dentist. "What about if yer din't use any anesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully. "Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70" said the dentist. "Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees and still without anesthetic" said the Scotsman....

An 85 year old gentleman feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem. "Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and...

The Pope calls everyone into his office.  he says: "I have good news and bad news" "Jesus has returned!" One replied, "That is great news , what could possibly be the bad news?" "He is in Utah..."

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.  Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know  whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of  Heaven."  The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and...

They have finally released the ingredients in Viagra. 2% aspirin2% ibuprofen1% Vitamin C95% Fix-A-Flat

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Dear Son: Your Paw has a job. It's the first one he had in forty-eight years since we have been married. We are a little better off now, because we have so much money now we don't know what to do with it. Paw gets $17.15 every Thursday, so we thought we ought to do something about fixing up the house. We sent to Sears & Roebuck for one of those bathrooms you hear people having in houses. It took a plumber to put it in shape. On one side of the bathroom is a great long thing something like a...

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one? We have, 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95 ... 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ... 'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ... 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95... 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ... and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00." "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the...

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand in the weak light, tears running down her face. Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, pale lips moving slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ...I . . I...

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to...